Wednesday, February 26, 2014

To the One we Lost

My heart aches writing this post but Livie, when you read this one day I hope you know how our love for you has only grown through this entire experience; before I couldn't fathom being more grateful for you; but my heart grew utterly more thankful during this time and its truly one of the biggest reasons thats helped me get through.  

We found out on Sunday, January 19th 2014 that we were pregnant!  I was overjoyed - you were being held by your daddy as we crept into the bathroom to see the test results - the three of us.  And there it was - a faint but distinct pink line that I had prayed over and over would be there.  When we found out about you; I was in shock; we wanted you and hoped for you but we ...I ....thought it might never be so I didn't expect it.  This time we still hoped & prayed but we anticipated a little bit more confidently than before but the feeling was the same - complete joy & thankfulness.

The sad part of this story is that just a mere 8 days later I would know that I lost our baby.  At only 4 weeks 5 days along; I lost our baby.  My heart was broken.  It still is.  One day I will be reunited w/ that sweet little being but for reasons that I can never know - God saw best to take her straight to heaven.  I know it was way to early to determine gender but while I was pregnant I dreamt of holding a baby girl and I could see her face clear as day - and I feel in my heart that it was your sister.  So I named her too.  Grace Anne because it means God's blessing.  Because even though it was only a short time; we were thrilled and so so so happy!  We were going to be a family of 4 and our family would be complete.  I can only be thankful to know the happiness and joy I felt those few days and even though I carry w/ me a sorrow that I'll never be able to articulate; I'm still grateful for what days I had w/ my second baby.  It was too too brief and I could focus on the heart wrenching disappointment but I choose to be grateful and TRUST in a loving God; who cares for the broken hearted. Though I'll never know her here on earth; we will know her one day and I'll carry that w/ me forever.  Through the pain and loss I will still praise God; we have you; we are so incredibly blessed!  I can count so many blessings in my life and you are by the far the brightest and best; I thank God for you!

To Grace Anne:  You were loved so much.  Your time with me mattered.  It's taught me ...and continues to teach me and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my time on earth.... to be more aware of others who hurt love on them.  To trust more; to cling to God's love and to know it's greater than anything we experience here and that this world is fleeting.  I will mourn the days, months, years ahead that will slip quietly by w/o you.  And even though I only held you in my dreams; I look forward to the day where I will hold you again.  Until then I will be grateful for the time you were here.  I will choose joy that you were given to me.  You belonged to God first anyway...and so you are exactly where you are meant to be.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Liv turns TWO!

Happy Happy Birthday Livie!

I can hardly believe you're two now.  The days are just flying by now and I wish so badly I could make time stand still b/c I'm just no where near ready letting you grow up...but you are growing up and so fast.  We had a sweet birthday party for you and it was so fun!  Your friends: Fiona, Charlie, Hagen,Lily, Sadie, Cooper, Tatum, Cora, Chase, Tierney, Miley,  Lily, and your cousins Ava, Gavin, baby Haven all came to help us celebrate YOU.  It was ice cream & confetti themed and we could not have had a better day ... we adore you sweet, sweet, Livie.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Little Moments that melt my heart....sweet little Liv!

Hi baby-cakes,

I'm sure you've gathered by now that you make my heart make me so proud.  I love being your Mommy.  It will always be my favorite "job". :)

So the last few days I've caught moments of you being super sweet and for a second I think maybe I'm on the right track w/ raising you...your sweet heart is so BIG!  I hope you always carry that sweetness in you and don't be afraid to show it; like you do now.

Today we had gymnastics.  You love children and are always quick to go up to another little and initiate a hug or a pat on the head.  Sometimes you say hi and other times you have a special language you start trying to communicate w/ your new "friend".  I see this every week at gymnastics.  You give all the kids hugs.  The owner has a 10 month old and you call her "baby" and you say "awwww" when you see her and attempt to give her hugs.  You love all babies - you are so drawn to them.  I love to see you be so tender and loving w/ other kids; I've never ever seen you be nasty or mean to anyone.  I know you're only 22 months old but I certainly hope that you keep that sweet gentle spirit.

Yesterday I quietly watched you play in your room and you had your stuffed animals around you and your musical tea pot in your hand.  You went around trying to give them each a drink out of the tea pot.  Then you picked up your elephant and gave him hugs and starting talking to him.  Next you picked up your bunnies and did the same thing - you were intently looking them each in the face and touching their eyes and really just taking them in like they were so special to you.  I tip-toed away before you could see me so you would continue to play undisturbed but what a special moment I get to keep forever in my heart and soul.  The wonder of child hood is amazing to watch and I hope you cherish your child hood all of your life.

Today; I was finishing up laundry as you were eating your lunch and walked back in the room where you were just in time to hear you say - Oh Minnie want a hug?  Then you hugged your Minnie sippy cup to you and patted the back of it.  So utterly adorable.  I'm lucky to have caught such a sweet sweet moment ... even if it was just towards a cup :)

There are many moments just like these that I get to take in all the time and I wish I could capture them all for you.  You are a my little sweet heart!

Love you,

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Cotton Field Photos

We did our annual photo shoot for Christmas photos this year in a cotton field!  You were adorable.  At one point you started posing and it was so sweet & funny at the same time.  I love your sweet little being!  AND I LOVE THESE PHOTOS!!

Sweet & Little Girl :)

Hi Livie,

Today was just like most days; we woke up about 8:30 and Daddy & I got you breakfast.  Today you had cheesy eggs, strawberries, & mango papaya apple sauce.  You love to feed yourself anything that requires a spoon.  You say "moon" for spoon and are very proud of yourself.  You end up wearing a quarter of it but at least most of it ends up in your mouth.  You watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse during breakfast and you always wave hello to Mickey & friends in the beginning and then goodbye at the end.  It makes me smile :).

Daddy as usual had to head off to work before you were done eating breakfast, but you usually take an hour (sometimes longer) to eat in the morning.  So after breakfast it was just you & I.  I dressed you, brushed your teeth (which you hate) and then it's time to play!  While you play, I try to do some work on the computer and also I continuously am tidying up the house, of course taking lots of breaks to play with you too.  You have a way of keeping me on my toes w/ picking up after for example you have scattered all through out the living room, dining room, and kitchen some of your favorite toys...pooh, tigger, mermaid, cinderella, piglet, a stuffed elephant, a duck's beak whistle, your ballerina music box, stuffed monkey, and one of your favorite books "you are my sunshine" ( you say sunshine as you flip through the pages).  Those are mixed in with your other favorite "toys" your drinking cups, mommy's tupperware containers, and today you just had to have this medium white box w/ lid that I want to use for my coupons.  Right before lunch you came over to me holding a lace romper that I bought you months found it in your bottom drawer of your apparently wanted to wear it so I put it on you over you clothes and that made you very happy.  You continuously make me giggle during the day...I wish I could capture all the moments on here for you.  One other moment today that was especially amusing...I was in the kitchen making your lunch when all of a sudden I heard you whimper and call for me.  I looked around the corner in the hallway in front of your room & there you are ... you had put yourself in the medium size white box that you just had to have this morning and were saying "stuck" b/c you could not get yourself out.  Oh Livie...I'm so glad I could snap a quick photo of you in that box!  So many times when you do something funny I just am not quick enough w/ my phone to catch a photo.  I quickly "rescued" you from that box and then it was time for lunch.

 Today you had 3 chicken nuggets, 2 helpings of peas, and peaches.  After lunch you had some more time to play and then it was time for a nap.  Now you usually nap a good 2-3 hours for me each afternoon but today it was only an hour.  I just had enough time to pick up all your toys, wipe down the counters and table, dust, throw in some laundry, and sweep the floors...then I heard you cry.  I tried to soothe you back to sleep but sometimes you just need your mommy.  So I rocked you for another 45 minutes wrapped up in a cozy warm blanket and I was thankful for the snuggle time.  I know one day soon nap times will be over & you'll be away at school during the day...I think about this so much Liv...and I want you to know that I treasure these days of having you close.  One day when you are older I hope you know and remember or atleast have knowledge through these blogs that I treasured my days w/ you.  Even w/ a mile long to do list - I never manage to get through many of those items each day - it doesn't matter.  You come first.  I am soooooo thankful that I can savor these days with you.  And I do.  Always know that.

Now it's time for a cup of coffee for me + a snack of gold fishes & raisins for you.  I've put in Rapunzel for you to watch for your afternoon movie and now I'm trying my best to catch up on some of your blog entries - it's only been on my to-do list for the last couple of months. :)



Thursday, August 1, 2013


Today we celebrated your half BIRTHDAY! We started the day with a little tea party with Minnie & some of your favorite stuffed friends.  It was so sweet - you would make sure they all had a drink of your "tea".  You are precious!

So happy half birthday my darling little Liv!  Before I know it you will be turning 2 - which is amazing - you have turned into a little girl right before my eyes.  Soon it will be time for potty training & taking away your paci for good.  It will be hard work but you are a very smart little cookie so I think (& hope) you will catch on quick.

I love you with all my heart!  You make my heart sing every day.  What a joy it is taking care of you - playing with you - watching you learn & grow.  So thankful for these days with you.

I know we have many many many more half birthdays to celebrate in the future little Liv &

I have a feeling they will always consist of sprinkled cupcakes :)


Tuesday, July 9, 2013 W O N D E R F U L!

Hi Livie,

We didn't do anything super special today - just hung out at home - just us two!  But there are so many moments through out the day that I just think to myself how lucky I am to spend my days w/ you.  You are 17 months old now and you just love to be with me.  You give me hugs and walk up to me and wrap your arms around my legs - you sit in my lap just wanting to be close to your Mama.  I love these days w/ you! You bring me books to read to you - your favorite is "You are My Sunshine".  You move your little finger along the words like I do when I read to you and it makes me smile.  You are so sweet Liv, I wish I could just keep you this sweet and innocent.  Your favorite movie is Lady & the Tramp!  When you see a dog - on tv or on our walks, etc - you point and say "dawg" w/ a southern drawl.  You squeal when you see them - you just love animals.  When I say cow - you moo & when I say Kitty Cat you meow - you have those two sounds down for now.  One of your sayings right now is "oh no"...usually when you don't want to do something.  You are walking like a champ now - you keep me moving just to keep up w/ you!  You're very curious and like to touch and feel things that you see.  You are definitely a "doer" not an observer!

This past weekend we went to Mimi's & Pappy's in Md for the July 4th holiday.  While on our drive there we were in a bit of an accident - luckily our car was the only vehicle involved.  I held on to you & your car seat the whole time we were wrecking and I never was more thankful that not a hair on your head was hurt.  Thank God!!!  It made me realize how very quickly things can happen & how irreplaceable you & your daddy are...nothing else matters.  So I cherish my days, my minutes, my seconds with you.  You are the most precious gift and I am thankful every second - never forget how special you are!

love you,