To the One we Lost

My heart aches writing this post but Livie, when you read this one day I hope you know how our love for you has only grown through this entire experience; before I couldn't fathom being more grateful for you; but my heart grew utterly more thankful during this time and its truly one of the biggest reasons thats helped me get through.  

We found out on Sunday, January 19th 2014 that we were pregnant!  I was overjoyed - you were being held by your daddy as we crept into the bathroom to see the test results - the three of us.  And there it was - a faint but distinct pink line that I had prayed over and over would be there.  When we found out about you; I was in shock; we wanted you and hoped for you but we ...I ....thought it might never be so I didn't expect it.  This time we still hoped & prayed but we anticipated a little bit more confidently than before but the feeling was the same - complete joy & thankfulness.

The sad part of this story is that just a mere 8 days later I would know that I lost our baby.  At only 4 weeks 5 days along; I lost our baby.  My heart was broken.  It still is.  One day I will be reunited w/ that sweet little being but for reasons that I can never know - God saw best to take her straight to heaven.  I know it was way to early to determine gender but while I was pregnant I dreamt of holding a baby girl and I could see her face clear as day - and I feel in my heart that it was your sister.  So I named her too.  Grace Anne because it means God's blessing.  Because even though it was only a short time; we were thrilled and so so so happy!  We were going to be a family of 4 and our family would be complete.  I can only be thankful to know the happiness and joy I felt those few days and even though I carry w/ me a sorrow that I'll never be able to articulate; I'm still grateful for what days I had w/ my second baby.  It was too too brief and I could focus on the heart wrenching disappointment but I choose to be grateful and TRUST in a loving God; who cares for the broken hearted. Though I'll never know her here on earth; we will know her one day and I'll carry that w/ me forever.  Through the pain and loss I will still praise God; we have you; we are so incredibly blessed!  I can count so many blessings in my life and you are by the far the brightest and best; I thank God for you!

To Grace Anne:  You were loved so much.  Your time with me mattered.  It's taught me ...and continues to teach me and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my time on earth.... to be more aware of others who hurt ...to love on them.  To trust more; to cling to God's love and to know it's greater than anything we experience here and that this world is fleeting.  I will mourn the days, months, years ahead that will slip quietly by w/o you.  And even though I only held you in my dreams; I look forward to the day where I will hold you again.  Until then I will be grateful for the time you were here.  I will choose joy that you were given to me.  You belonged to God first anyway...and so you are exactly where you are meant to be.


Love,
mommy

Liv turns TWO!

Happy Happy Birthday Livie!

I can hardly believe you're two now.  The days are just flying by now and I wish so badly I could make time stand still b/c I'm just no where near ready letting you grow up...but you are growing up and so fast.  We had a sweet birthday party for you and it was so fun!  Your friends: Fiona, Charlie, Hagen,Lily, Sadie, Cooper, Tatum, Cora, Chase, Tierney, Miley,  Lily, and your cousins Ava, Gavin, baby Haven all came to help us celebrate YOU.  It was ice cream & confetti themed and we could not have had a better day ... we adore you sweet, sweet, Livie.